You know the saying, "old habits die hard"? Ain't that the truth.
Since the new year began, I promised myself I would look after me. Part of that promise to myself was going to therapy and having a space where I allowed myself to feel my feelings, talk about them, and reset every week. I started going in January. I didn't start going because I was heartbroken or falling apart. I started going because it had been awhile since I really felt like myself. I went because I needed to no longer overthink and bottle up all of my thoughts. It's been about two months and I've been feeling more like me again. I have been really proud of myself. My healing journey honestly has been pretty linear in the last two months. And when I think about my healing process, I'm not worried. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know that everything will fall into place for me. The problem is that there are so many outside factors that are out of my control. I can't make anyone act a certain way or say a certain thing. I can't make anyone do something that they do not want to do. Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that I can't change how someone else feels about me. This is the part that I am still learning.
A few days ago, I heard from a guy that I haven't spoken to in months. A guy that I really liked when we were seeing each other. When he reached out to me, it really threw me off. I let it get the best of me and was thinking about it for days. There is a piece of me that is still intrigued by the ideas of him. Yesterday, I had so much fun with my friends day drinking for St. Patty's day, but by the end of the day, I had one too many and was trying to call him. Several times. I'll expose myself, it was pretty over the top. He has shown no interest in me, so why am I even giving it any attention? I was doing so well for months and he pops in for 2.5 seconds and suddenly I'm losing my mind over it. My therapist calls it bread crumbing. Apparently that's a legitimate term that people use, but I had never heard it until she said it to me. Honestly genius. When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself, pathetic. I was pretty embarrassed. Why am I like that? Why am I giving so much validation to a guy who doesn't give a shit about me?
In the same breath, I thought to myself, it is what it is. LOL. The thing is, I don't want people to think negatively of me. But at the same time, I spent SO long caring so much about what other people thought of me and I refuse to go back to that mindset. At the end of the day, I'm always going to wear my heart on my sleeve because that's who I am. Yes maybe I need to avoid my phone at all costs when I'm drinking, but what are ya gonna do?
So now I'm sitting here on my balcony, on a beautiful day in March, writing it all out, knowing that this probably won't be the last time I get a little carried away. It won't be the last time I feel like I went 1 big step forward, just to go 10 steps back. I woke up, I'm breathing, the weather is bringing my mood up, and I'll keep on keepin' on. I don't write these things to expose myself or to give other people a chance to think I'm a mess. I write them to remind myself that I am human. There are so many other people who have felt these feelings too and I'll be just fine.
Also side note, I'm dropping a quote that one of my friends texted me because it's healing.
"It doesn't count it's a holiday."
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