I saw a post the other day that said, "Happy January 72nd!" and holy sh*t I felt that. I spent the first few weeks of the new year going through the motions. I also spent the first month of the new year having to accept some hard truths about characters in my plot. I restarted therapy two weeks ago and it seems that a common theme in my 20s has been people, specifically men, taking advantage of my chill nature. So, let's get into it. This blog post is all things setting boundaries and not losing yourself along the way. And if you do, owning it and getting back to yourself. Beyond harder than it sounds, but ultimately something that I need, and maybe you do too.
To set the scene, I have always had a chill nature. I'm a lover girl, but not in the way that I need someone to feel secure. I love to meet new people and feel excited when I feel a connection with someone (something that doesn't come around too often for me). I'm an ugly, belly laughs and "tell me something no one else knows" kind of girl. But I live in a continuous "it is what it is" and "it's going to be what it's going to be". If a feeling is not reciprocated, then that's okay. I'm blunt and I'm honest. It doesn't make me uncomfortable and both fortunately and unfortunately people generally feel very comfortable with me quickly.
I say all this to say, the chill nature that I have is not something that a lot of people have and especially not a lot of people are used to women having. When I'm first talking to a guy specifically, it's a quality of mine that really pulls them in. It's something that they'll tell me. And who can blame them? I am chill and really funny honestly lol. The unfortunate piece of my nature doesn't come in until the relationship or for lack of a better term, situationship, starts to become something more. Naturally, when you are comfortable with someone, you're more inclined to share. You're more inclined to want to spend time with them. And I feel happy giving my time when I first meet people. In my head, I'm thinking, "Oh he really wants to get to know me." or "Wow, this person really enjoys spending time with me." It makes me feel excited (because again, lover girl forever). I'm easy to hang out with and I'm easy to have fun with because shocker, I'm fun.
Side note- sometimes dating is really hard for me because it takes me a while to figure out if I genuinely enjoy hanging out with the person. Is the guy that I'm with actually cool and fun or am I just having fun because I have great energy and I could talk to a literal wall? Shoutout to my mom for that quality.
Anyways... At the end of the day, it gets to a point where I spend a lot of time with someone because I think they really like me. Surprise I'm human. Then I learn pretty quickly, that they don't really see anything moving forward. Most recently, it went from being so excited, enjoying hanging out with each other and friends, to nothing at all like the flip of a switch. To the "I'm not really looking for a relationship right now" energy, as if I ever mentioned that in the first place. But, I'm just a good time for now. It's a hard pill to swallow. Because having a chill nature doesn't mean that you don't feel it the same. If anything, I feel it more and just go with the motions and act like I don't. It's heavy. It hurts knowing that people can act like they like you and they can tell you they like you and then flip a switch like nothing happened. And of course, me being me, I'm not going to make a big deal out of it because it's not in my nature. I will never beg someone to be with me or spend time with me. I don't want that. I just want people to match their words to their actions. And as my therapist got a mouthful of yesterday, I just want to be respected. The lover girl in me wants to be loved more than anything, but it's not something I currently or will ever truly need. I just want respect. I'm good on my own and I always have been. It's that feeling that you were so fine and so good before this person, so what was the point? I hope that makes sense and I'm not just rambling. Either way, that's where I'm at.
I've been treated this way multiple times, and to know that it's probably not the last time is exhausting. With a few boundaries though, it gives me a little reality check.
So onto the setting boundaries piece of this because I never end on a negative note (definitely not in my nature).
My sincere apologies for the long-winded emotional ride. Writing is my healing experience, y'all know that.
Be honest. If we don't tell them how we feel, how will they know?
But if we don't get the response we're looking for OR even better no response (when did ghosting become such a strong form of communication asking for a friend), let it be. Let them.
Remember who tf you are. Go on a frickin run or something. I literally ran 7 miles to a pregame playlist today and nobody could take me out after that. We're talking banger after banger. Check out my spotify you guys.
Keep your chill, but if you need to cry and not be chill for a sec, do your thing.
This is a hard one for me, but I'm going to start trying to care more about me. When I invest my time into someone, it's easy for me to want good for them right away (people pleaser alert). Until someone really shows up for me, what about me?
Last one, stop trying to see the good in everyone and protect your peace. If I feel off about the situation, or I don't like something that this person is doing, I'm not waiting around to see if something changes anymore.
Okay wait, real last one. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, but if they come back and give the exact same energy, choose you instead.
With a new month starting today, I don't know why, but I feel like I can breathe better. We just celebrated New Year's, but sometimes you need multiple fresh starts. I'll take as many as I can get. I'll always love on my chill, lover girl-at-heart energy. I wouldn't change a thing. Onto February. To chapter 2, my friends. Stay on top.
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