A love letter to my last three years. The most uncomfortable of my life. The most growth.
If I asked you to tell me something that has made you feel uncomfortable in the last few days, could you think of something? Think of the uncomfortable moment. Did you hide from it or allow it to take place? The act of being uncomfortable is an incredibly off-putting feeling. It often makes us feel nervous, vulnerable, and scared. But what if I told you that nervousness, vulnerability, and scared reaction, in my opinion, is a beautiful thing?
"LOL WHAT?! There is nothing beautiful about feeling out of place."
If this was me three years ago, I would have said the same thing. There was a time when I would shy away from things that made me uncomfortable. I only ever wanted to feel at peace. I thought uncomfortable automatically meant stress. When I first graduated college, I was content. I got a job before I graduated. I was moving home to save money, but had plenty of friends close by. And in the moment, it felt good. I was comfortable. In my first year post-grad, I stayed comfortable and to be quite honest, it worked that first year. By year two, I had moved closer to my job, lived with friends, and again, felt comfortable. My job started to become a stressor in my life though. The year was long and my school at the time became a really toxic environment. I began looking for a different school to work at. At that point in my life, that was uncomfortable for me. The comfortable thing to do would be to stay still and stay in an environment that wasn't healthy for me, just because I was "comfortable". Sometimes we confuse comfort with convenience.
Wait.. read that again. Sometimes we confuse comfort with convenience.
I ended up taking a risk and leaving the school. For those who aren't familiar, when you leave a school/essentially take a new job in education, it is one of the most uncomfortable situations. It becomes a very emotional thing that doesn't need to be. If you have a supportive school community, they will be nothing but excited for your next chapter. If you don't (the department I have now fallen in one too many times), people make you feel like you're almost betraying them. Like you failed your students in some way. It become this mind-boggling experience that I'm not sure if any other field of work understands. Anyways, short rant over. I left that job and tried a new school. It was my first sense of relief. I experienced discomfort, worked my way through it, and came out feeling at ease. Was it convenient to start at a new school and start over? Of course not, but at the time it was completely necessary for me.
Everything new will have a period of uncomfortable feelings. Sit in it.
Now you're going to laugh when I tell you the new school was not my save and grace. Was it what I needed to get out of my toxic initial work environment? Absolutely. But in the wise words of my dad, "The grass is not always greener". I will say the grass was greener, but not by much. I'd give it like a pale green if you will. This past year, year 3 of my career, I fell into a real deep sadness. This past October, the thrill of a new school year had worn off, and I was beginning to really see how things were run, I was just extremely disappointed. My experience compared to the previous year was better don't get me wrong, but it still didn't give me that spark back that I so desperately was trying to find. So what did I do? I poured a lot of love into me. I taught more cycling classes (my safe haven) and I started therapy (talk about uncomfortable). My therapist allowed me to work through some things and gave me a chance to just do me. Something that is still difficult for me. People pleasers unite!
In May, CycleBar was holding open auditions and I felt a pull to go because it is very close to the area I wanted to live in. I went on a whim. There were so many girls there when I walked into the studio and I didn't know a single one of them, but I just gave it my best shot. A few days later, they chose me. It felt like some kind of sign. I went through and started their training weeks. I finished off the school year and took several weeks to just reset my mind. I didn't know how I wanted to move forward. Stay in a place that causes me to constantly question my being there in the first place because that's the easy thing to do or be vulnerable, put myself out there, and see what happens? By the first week of July, I came to the realization that I was willing to give teaching another go, but I needed to make yet another uncomfortable change.
I am willing to get uncomfortable because I want to see myself win.
I applied to a new county, got two interviews, and by the next week, I had two job offers. Specifically, one that gave me a small spark that I haven't felt since my first year of teaching. It was small, but it was there, and I couldn't ignore it. I accepted the position, told my old school I was leaving, and am currently sitting in my apartment looking for a new apartment wondering how my life flipped upside down in less than a month. Because I let myself be uncomfortable. I am willing to get uncomfortable because I want to see myself win. Would it have been convenient/easy to stay at my other school? You watching me carry a million things down three floors in front of people who clearly were not cheering me on would probably answer that question for you. Not to mention, I did pick the hottest day of the summer to go in. Followed by driving down to the new school and moving all of that stuff in the following day on the second hottest day of the summer. I didn't say I was the luckiest girl in the world. But if I've learned anything about myself in the last three years, it's that I'm willing to get uncomfortable. I'm willing to get uncomfortable because I know I can handle it and I know I deserve better and I will get to a place where I can finally breathe.
It's never easy. It's never convenient. But would you rather stay comfortable and never take a risk to find something that makes you feel alive? If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. I turned 25 in May and I'm the most me I've ever felt. I can confidently say that because the last few years have been the most uncomfortable of my life. With work, with dating, with family, with friends, with finding myself, with trying new things. And you know what I did? I didn't let them keep me from pushing through and following paths that set my soul on fire. It takes time, but it also takes a willingness to be embarrassed, to feel nervous, to feel vulnerable, and to just FALL IN. There is beauty in uncomfortable situations because it challenges you to show up. It challenges you to choose YOU. The outcomes could be far greater than that risk.
If there is something in your life you've been itching to try or do, I challenge you to take one step toward doing that today. It may be something that makes you nervous you'll look stupid. It could be something that you're worried you may fail.
Some ideas:
Trying a new workout class
Asking that person on a date
Spending time by yourself
Reaching out to an old family member or friend you've fallen out of touch with
Applying to that job
Auditioning
Seeking therapy
One last thing...
I just watched an episode of Too Hot To Handle (big reality tv girly). For those of you who are living under a rock and have never seen this show (do your homework please), it's basically several 20-somethings that struggle in relationships. They come in super toxic and very surface-level and work throughout the show to build relationships. They're not allowed to be physical with each other at all. I just read those last few sentences back and I just made the show sound fire. I will say it's pretty wacky and sometimes I just watch it to feel better about myself LOL. However, the people on the show participate in these workshops to dig deep and get to the roots of their toxicity. In the episode that I just watched, they just had a workshop about being uncomfortable and where it stems from. The way that these girls were speaking about being vulnerable was just so raw and real. One quote that really stuck out to me was, "I'm afraid someone will just leave me if I tell them how I really feel." We all feel this. At one time or another, you've put yourself out there and someone or something has let you down. Let yourself feel hurt and disappointed. Let go of what doesn't match your goals and energy. Then get up and put yourself out there again. Get uncomfortable and find your path.
If you’re feeling extra anxious, watch this reel :)
That's all from me...xoxo
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