Pain is a direct result of our biggest fears, our traumas, our setbacks. Pain causes us to put up walls and barriers that seem impossible to break down. See the thing about pain is the more we avoid it, the higher those walls become. The deeper hole we dig. I've learned that all too well (cue taylor).
We need to feel pain in order to grow.
I know. Not exactly what you wanted to hear. I am a grade A avoider when it comes to the things that hurt me. Time and time again I completely avoided feeling anything, but indifferent in the hopes of "saving" myself. The reality is, at the end of the day, I'm left with bottled up feelings and a whole lotta trauma. Who can relate?
Let's Talk Relationships: In order to feel love, we have to experience pain. Yes, this sucks.
We've all been there. You feel like you've finally met someone that you vibe with and could have a real relationship with and BAM. Something tanks. My high school relationships were anything but sweethearts and when I got to college, I never felt that spark. If I did, it wasn't mutual. I'm not afraid to be honest. There have been some guys that simply did not like me back. In the moment, it really hurt. I went through periods of grief. Fast forward to my first year post grad. I tried again and it failed. He wanted someone else. Then I decided to take a long hiatus in the relationship world and decided to casually date. That hurt just as bad. I will be the first to admit that if I feel a connection with someone, I get attached. I hold onto the hopes of what could be something so great because I don't often feel a strong connection. I can't say that this has ever worked out in my favor. Moving on, I am three years post grad and still, nothing. In the past year, I went on several dates with a guy, spent a lot of nights at his apartment. Hell, one night he invited me to his intramural sports game and I watched it in the cold by myself. Does that make me a simp? Maybe. At that time, I really didn't care. During the game, I called my best friend and told her how much I liked this guy. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and I will always be like this. This one was a big ouch when he slowly stopped calling and didn't try to make plans anymore. I still picked myself up and tried again, but you guessed it, still haven't found that spark. Pain.
It's so easy to go down the rabbit hole of feeling sorry for myself. After this last guy dropped me like a hot potato, I went on a date with someone new. The kicker is that this guy who wanted nothing to do with me called me after this new date and made me feel like garbage when I had told him I went on a new date. He made me feel like it was weird that I was seeing someone else and that nothing would ever work out between us now because I had been seeing this guy. Keep in mind, we had not seen each other in months and I really went on the new date to start fresh and try to get over him. I don't know if him trying to make me upset was intentional or not. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I would never talk poorly about people just because they didn't have mutual feelings for me. But needless to say, I was so confused and hurt and honestly wanted to just hold it in and bottle it up. The old me would have swallowed this and kept on trucking along. But you know what I did? Immediate tears. I decided that I would let myself cry over it, let myself feel the feelings and then I would be okay. Just like the countless other times that I've experienced a hurt like this. At first, I felt embarrassed. Looking back now, I think: Healing. Am I completely healed? Of course not. The truth is, I still think about the people who broke my heart when I was 15. I wish I could hug the girl that I was then. She was crushed, but not broken, even if I didn't know it yet. Relationships are scary. Situationships are scary. You let yourself feel and you let yourself love, but there is something beautiful about letting yourself feel these roller coaster emotions. How lucky are we to care so deeply and love so hard? I know I'll find love because of the way I love. And if the pain that I've experienced in my life so far leads me to it, so be it. I have a huge heart and I will never let myself feel bad about that again.
Let's Talk Professional Life: Why does my job feel so toxic? Yes, this really sucks.
Currently, I am in a work environment that some may label as "toxic". I'm searching for a new path. When I graduated college, I immediately got a job that at the time, I was passionate about. I was dreaming of the day I would finally have my own space to do something that I loved for a long time. My first year of work was hard. Long days, longer nights, taking home work on the weekends. It was grueling, but I was willing to do the work because the outcome to me was so much greater than those grueling moments. I truly loved what I did and I enjoyed my work environment. Year 2. I was faced with one of the hardest experiences I've ever had. One day I'll be able to share a little bit more about this experience, but for now I'm going to keep a low profile. My coworkers were amazing (like the type of coworkers who send you Starbucks money on Monday and tequila shot money on Friday), but my boss didn't understand and wasn't willing to help. I was not being supported from the "higher ups" of my job. For my professional working readers, you know, your boss sets the scene. The tone of the environment. They can make or break your experience. Mine was being broken. My boss at the time didn't know how to fix my situation and she was very adamant about that. I don't know if that was supposed to make me feel better, but I just felt lost and so lonely. I worked 4 years for my degree and here I was in my second year feeling burnt out. I took a leap of faith and decided to go somewhere else for work in my third year post grad.
I wish I could say I feel so much better, now in year 3. Last year, I listened to my head and my heart and followed it somewhere new. Is it better? Sure. Is it good? Not at all. I am approaching year 4 and I just am at a loss. I feel beaten and bruised and disappointed. I feel pain. I live in a struggle because I again, adore my coworkers. At the same time, I feel micromanaged, I feel unsupported, and I just feel sad. The career path that I am currently in is failing and I don't think I want to stick around to sink with the ship. It's almost like a bad relationship. More pain. You know what I do? Feel it. The more that I feel it, the more that I will come to terms that I think it's time for me to try something completely new and different. Trying new things takes courage, but I deserve to let myself dive in, feel appreciated, and enjoy what I do. Maybe I'll try writing.
Okay, so you told me your trauma. Congrats. How is that leading to growth and healing?
Maybe you read my past and present experiences and you relate to the pain that I have felt and feel. Maybe you don't. Maybe your demons look different than mine. Feel them. Let them hurt. Let them bend you. Pain demands to be felt. When you empty this bottle of pain inside of you, it allows space for new feelings of growth. It allows you to think clearly. It allows you to lead with your heart and move in a direction that fills you with positive energy. It makes you feel lighter and at ease knowing that it sucked, but you made it through. You're still breathing. You're still moving. And you're going to be okay.
Let it hurt, let it suck. Feel the feels, feel the tears.
Take a deep breath and let pain lead you to growth.
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